OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
