Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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