I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
