We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
