i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
