well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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