i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
