oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
