Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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