she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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