The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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