dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
false alarm. still invincible.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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