I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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