She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
