You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize