I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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