Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
