went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
