Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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