Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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