Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
