If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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