It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
