You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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