I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize