saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
