just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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