i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
