Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
