No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
