wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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