Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
