meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
