life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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