is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well I just put wine in my tea
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize