quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
