I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
