Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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