I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
