i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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