It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize