She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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