When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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