Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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