i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
is it fun? or sober?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
