if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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