i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
