glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize