Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize