My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
