Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize