I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
