i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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