my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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