I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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