allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
