On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
